The straw that made the camel realize he couldn't carry the load alone

Am I the only one who feels consistently overwhelmed? I don't think I am, but I feel like I'm the only one who is looking this ugly and disheveled and completely crazy while feeling overwhelmed. I see everyone else talking about all the things they have to do, and all the emotions they are juggling, and I wonder how you all manage to do it while looking so pretty and put together. Everyone else seems mildly hurried, while I feel like I've died only to be brought back to life in the back of the ambulance and then dropped off at my kids school play, with a soccer fee check (that I hope doesn't bounce) in hand and dinner left in the oven probably burning my house down. What are your secrets to this you guys?! I want to join the living again!

At church on Sunday it was fast and testimony meeting. For those of you who think I'm speaking a different language, in the LDS church one Sunday a month, usually the first sunday, is set aside for the purpose of fasting. Members of the church go without food and water for 2 consecutive meals, and then contribute the money that would have been spent on those meals to those in need. You can find more info at lds.org.  During one of the meetings at our church services that day, the pulpit is open to individuals to get up and share a testimony of some concept or principal of the gospel that they know to be true. There is no set program, just an open microphone at the front of a large group of people with open hearts. 

This last Sunday was testimony meeting. A member of our bishopric stood and began by sharing a few words about how everyone struggles and if we feel like someone isn't struggling, we just aren't seeing the whole picture. His comment got me really thinking about what I was feeling. I felt that familiar pounding in my chest, and the same "I don't even know what I'd say if I went up there" phrase running through my head. I went up anyway.

 I shared my testimony of the plan of salvation, and how nothing is lost in the eyes of Our Savior. I am a cynic at heart and it's so easy for me to look at those around me and think,  they have it so easy, and I have all of these challenges I can barely handle. If I had to face one more thing, I'd break. I have suffered so much hurt. And I have. I've experienced everything from teenage pregnancy and a subsequent very messy and mean custody battle, to divorce and dealing with the effects of someones addiction, to financial stress and living with my parents for years, just to name a few. Our lives have in no way been easy, but I firmly testified then, and again now, that I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is not an insurance plan against pain, but a beautiful resource to deal with that pain. This life was never meant to be painless, but the promises we were made are eternally beautiful. 

I always joke that I picture myself up in Heaven standing around in a big auction style group and someone reading off the situations and challenges needing to be faced here on earth with the crowd silent as I look around waiting for someone to volunteer.  So me, with too much spiritual pride, probably because I felt invincible in the presence of Heavenly Father, volunteered for all these things that I didn't fully understand the weight of- things I didn't realize would be as hard as they are.  And as I struggle with these things now, what feels like so far from my Father in Heaven, I feel like things are unfair.  But I know that I chose, or at least agreed to, these challenges in Heaven. That I knew the reward and accepted the risk. As I think of these challenges, and the weight they hold, I want them to just be lifted from me, to vanish and be as if they were never here. But I realize that isn't how it works. The stumbling block isn't always just removed. So instead of praying for removal, I've started praying to feel closer to my Savior, to regain some of that spiritual pride I felt when I agreed to take on these tasks. I know and can tell you with more faith than I can express, that when we see our Savior again, and feel his embrace, none of us will be thinking we were jilted in this life. 

I write this and can't help but smirk. I had no idea why I felt I needed to declare these things publicly in the moment, but as I look back on the week it all makes sense. I needed that boost of encouragement going into this week. I needed to hear the comfort of my own words and feel confident in my knowledge that it is all possible. Heavenly Father was reminding me what I know before handing me one more task.

On Tuesday, while Tim was out of town, we found out Hayden has a heart condition. He had complained of chest pain here and there during the cross country season, so we scheduled a cardiology appointment for him. We still don't have many answers, but this is what we do know. 

We know it's serious but we don't know how serious. His coronary artery is dilated 3 times what it should be and they don't know why. We are waiting to hear from the hospital to schedule us to come in and do more tests, including an angiogram.  We know he's on activity restrictions and we know he's crushed. He made the competitive soccer team, something he worked so hard for, and he can't play until further notice. We know, pending a miracle, that the artery is permanently damaged, but not to what extent. The sonogram only showed us what is going on from an outside view, not from an inside view. The tests we are waiting for will tell us more. We know that this will be something he will deal with for the rest of his life, just not to what extent. He could require heart surgery now, or in 10 years, or 20 years, but this is something that he's having to learn to deal with as his "new normal". Our fingers are crossed for the best case scenario that he can continue with his daily activities and we can see the cardiologist every year to check up on it, until it creates more of a problem. We know that the doctors we have are competent, and will be lead to the right answers when we need them. 

And finally, we know that Hayden has a loving Father in Heaven who cares for him in a way that we cannot fully comprehend. We know that Hayden is on his mind, that he is not forgotten, or lost. We know that our walls are continually before him, and that he has graven us upon his palms. We know that this life is not fair, or easy, but that in the end, in his arms, none of us will feel it is unjust. 

Keep our cute boy in yours prayers this week, and I promise to update you as we find out more. xo