The question I get most frequently from people is, "How did you know Josie had autism so early?" It can be summed up in all of 2 words- MOTHERS INTUITION. Ok, that's an overstatement, but really, without following my gut, we would still be thinking Josie was "stubborn, bossy, and independent".
From the time Josie was about 9 months, I had feelings here and there that her behavior was different than most 9 month olds. Nothing over the top, just a feeling. She excelled greatly in terms of motor skills. She crawled and could pull herself up to things at only 5 months. But small things here and there never sat right with me. She wouldn't focus her attention on anything I attempted to engage her in. She never responded to her name. When my Dad would try to play with her, he would get right up in her face and she'd turn her head as if to say, "don't look at me." She would sit through an entire movie, literally, an entire movie, credits and all. What 9 month old does that? My 9 year old wouldn't sit through credits! So small things, here and there.
Part of me always knew. But admitting it was the hard part. I remember joking with my husband one day, saying "she's not interested in making meaningful relationships." I mean, come on Wyatte! You knew! When my husband seriously questioned me about it, I said, "no, she's fine. She snuggles and makes eye contact, it's just on her terms." And we left it. But I felt slightly sick inside each time I tried, desperately, to get her to play with me and she preferred to get every grain of sand out from the crack in the cement at our park. If I admitted there was something different about Josie, everything would change. I felt like Neo in the matrix when Morpheus says, "After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." Sorry for the uber nerdy reference, but that is exactly how I felt. Each day I chose the blue pill. To shove it down and wake up like everything was fine. What would happen if I chose to see things for what they really were? How would life be affected? What responsibility would that place on me, when I already felt like I struggled with motherhood as it was? Admitting something was wrong was a game changer, and I felt like I was barely hanging on in the game I was currently playing.
After Jos' first birthday was when I really noticed signs I couldn't ignore. At her 1 year check up she was saying about 8-10 words. Things like mom, dad, bra bra (brother) cat, dog, hi, etc. Around 13 months I realized she wasn't saying any words anymore. In fact, she wasn't communicating with us at all. She was babbling again, but no expressive words were coming out. I realized we were playing a guess and check game with her to be able to meet her needs. I stay at home with her all day, so when she would cry I'd say, "she hasn't eaten in a while, I bet she's hungy" or "it's around nap time, she probably wants a bottle". She also wouldn't follow any simple commands such as, "go get your ball." She wouldn't even acknowledge that we had asked her to do anything. But since she had always been so loving and cuddly, again, we thought, 'oh she's fine! She's just stubborn and independent.'
About 2 weeks later I noticed she was putting her finger in her ear and moving it around. We had her ears checked many times, and they always said her ears were perfect. She began doing this repetitive motion so fiercely that her ears began to bleed. Her tiny finger nail would cut the skin in her ear and they would bleed profusely. I realized she was either experiencing hearing loss, or it was autism. I called the doctor immediately and he saw us the next day.
As I voiced my concerns, he confirmed them. He referred us to audiology, neurology, and Alta. Alta is a company in California that helps assist families with children that have special needs. Alta coordinates care and planning for families with autism, including initiating the process for diagnosis. He told me we were going to hit it hard and be aggressive. That we were going to figure out what was and wasn't going on, and that if in the end it was autism, that we are better off knowing now because early intervention is the best course of action. He told me that he wanted to hug me for facing my concerns and not burying my head in the sand. I wanted to cry.
I left the office in a fog. I climbed in my car and called my best friend, blubbering about how she can't have autism, I can't handle anymore stress. Do you know the time and work needed to care for a child with autism? Blah, blah, blah. And my friend, like any best friend would do, told me to knock it off. That if Josie has autism its because I'm strong enough to handle it, and that I will handle it because that is my only option. Josie is still my Josie, she just needs some extra attention to help her learn certain skills.
And she was right. We aren't out of this all the way, we may never be. But we are safely on the other side of a diagnosis. And let me tell you, life gets better when you take the red pill. I'm not wondering why she isn't like other children anymore, I'm enjoying what makes her unique. We aren't trying to grasp at straws for what makes her normal. We are celebrating her strengths and supporting her weakness'. Autism was a game changer for me, but I realized all along it was the game I should have been playing. I felt behind in the motherhood game because I was applying the wrong rules. I truly have felt like our diagnosis has been freedom rather than bondage. It's freed us up to let Josie be who Josie is, without feeling pressure to conform to the "norm".
If you are concerned about your child, I recommend taking a test called the M-CHAT on autismspeaks.com. I have a link to it in the buttons at the right. It will help you decipher if you should seek help for you child. Only you and your pediatrician can make the right call for you, but I always recommend seeing a pediatrician about your concerns. Either they will put your concerns to rest, or they will help you get your child get the early intervention your child needs. It's never too soon.
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